Real Humor

This is a collection of involuntary humor from the real world.

Signs from around the world

This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:

"The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar"

In a hotel in an Austrian ski resort:

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension".

Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:

"If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it."

An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

A bar in Tokyo informs clients:

"Special cocktails for ladies with nuts."

In Bangkok's Temple of the Reclining Buddha hangs this warning:

"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In an Acapulco hotel:

"The manager has personally passed all the water served here"

In a certain African hotel you may choose between:

"A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."

A sign on a clothing store in Brussels reads:

"Come inside and have a fit"

An ad in the International Herald Tribune read:

"We need the services of a fully qualified female secretary to take care of English and French correspondence. The work is varied and interesting in a congenital atmosphere."

An Israeli seamstress whose place of business is off the main street posted this notice:

"Madame Ruth, Corseterie -- Entrance from the backside."

A hotel notice in Madrid informs:

"If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid."

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:

"If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up."

A Hamburg tailor will sell you a:

"Three-piece suite in stimulated leather."

A cafeteria in southern France displays this sign:

"Courteous and efficient self-service."

A sign at Budapest's zoo requests:

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Vienna's Danube Monthly magazine ran an article on the carnival season stating:

"This is the time of the year when the firemen, the policemen, the lawyers and the doctors all assemble to hold their balls."

A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:

"As for the trout served you at the hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."

Insurance Claims

These statements were actually given on auto-insurance claim forms:

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention "

"I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it"

"The telephone pole was approaching fast"

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle"

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Newspaper Headlines

"Panel hears specialis testify -- women's breasts not like men's"

"Smaller families require less food"

"Nuclear winter may not be so bad"

"Blind cabbie forced to abandon driving"

"Post office paychecks get lost in the mail"

"Some men retain mental ability"

"Animal-rights group to hold meeting at steakhouse"

"Customers didn't notice dead clerk"

"Nude scene done tastefully in radio play"

"Iowa cemetaries are death traps"

"MGM bounces checks, but says finances are OK"

"USPS program helps to "Stamp out Literacy"